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I've been hanging out with our chickens a lot more these past couple weeks and I've noticed a number of things that both delight and concern me. The roosters don't get along with each other. If that weren't bad enough, I believe each of them want me dead. I've never had a pet who wanted to kill before. I've also never had a pet that, if time's got tough,  I could legally eat before. Try explaining that to a rooster though. Roosters don't care about reason... they're not trying to understand your point of view. Roosters are like drunk frat boys. They just wanna fight and bang chicks. The fact that they're significantly outmanned doesn't factor into their decision-making... "So you're 10 times bigger than me... So What?!! Let's do dis thang!" That's what the crowing is all about. Roosters crow all the time. All.Day.Long. They just scream, at random, all day long. They remind me of the really muscular guy in the gym who, upon completing some spectacular feat of strength, lets out a mighty, "Yeah! Whoo! That's what I'm talkin' about!" Roosters would be these guys if they were people. I find it hilarious and ironic that they are such small animals.

I also believe that the roosters crow in the mornings for very selfish reasons. We all have the image in our heads of the Kellogg's rooster crowing to wake up the happy farmers to inform them that another day has begun and that he may continue going about his business of slaughtering chickens. If roosters had any brains they would just not wake up the farmer. Let the humans sleep while they think up a daring escape plan like in the Disney movies. I think it's more than that though. Roosters aren't crowing to wake us up. That's not in their favor. Let's face it, the rooster only cares about one thing and that's himself. The rooster also reallizes that his daily activities consist of eating, going to the bathroom, and having sex with whichever chick he feels like mounting. What a life! If that's what I got to do all day, I'd want the day to begin as soon as possible too. "Hey everyone, wake up! Wake up! Do you know what today is?! It's another day! Now, you, you, you and... you... meet me in the courtyard."

I've learned alot from these roosters. But, as in most cases, what you set out to learn is never ultimately what you end up understaning. I knew I'd learn to care for, feed, and shelter these animals. But I had no idea that I was learning a very  ancient from of martial art. One that dates back to the dawn of time... I've been learning Rooster Kung Fu. You see, when we first started raising these guys, I was totally in their world. When I stepped into their coop (which has come to be known as the 'Cocktagon") I was entering into their world. I had no idea as to how to defend myself against a rooster attack. I've used sticks to keep them at bay, I've tried running away... none of that really seemed to work. I was feeling like it was I... who was the chicken. But then I reallized, I eat chicken for breakfast! That's when everything changed. I became the master and the roosters my pupils. Each time we're in the garden, I have to be on the allert, a true ninja. You never know when a rooster sneak attack will happen, and as we all know, the master cannot be outdone. Yes, we at Cafe Nola may be the only restaurant in the world, dare I say universe?! I dare! In the universe who have, not only organically raised, locally farmed eggs, but eggs that are guarded by two of the most fierce Kung Fu Roosters alive. Their names are Bangs Freely and Bootsy Collins the Funky Chicken!!!  Ya betta recognize.

 

 

Views: 443

Comment by Erin Mitchell on April 26, 2011 at 12:03am
I love this blog :) I have found that in the case of roos, the best way to establish you are the big roo in the coop is to pull at a tail feather or two if they come after you. Don't run away from them as it tells them they are bigger than you are.
Comment by Cornelia on April 27, 2011 at 3:40pm
Oh, Doug, it's so nice to have you back after a long, not-funny-enough winter! Thanks!
Comment by Rachel Hoff on April 27, 2011 at 4:19pm
That has to be one of the funniest things I've read in a very long time.
Comment by Nicole Karr on April 27, 2011 at 7:07pm

Hilarious. I needed something funny to read. I've got 3 roosters to 17 hens currently, it will be culling time soon. Don't enjoy that idea, but rehome-ing roos is tough to do.

Thanks for the dominance trick, EM, good idea. Some can get scary around the kids.  

Comment by Pat Johnson on April 28, 2011 at 9:34am
Good read Doug. You should be making money as a comedy writer (you're sure a lot better than what I see on TV)! Who says you can't have fun learning? I used to clip the wings of the roosters so they couldn't fly up high enough to get me on the arms or face!
Comment by Christene Graham on May 1, 2011 at 1:58pm
LMAO!! In the many experiences I have had with roosters who work very hard at perfectly the art of "Sneak Attacks", I learned to carry a towel with me. A kitchen towel works pretty good.  I had a big rooster that would do his best to perform a sneak attack on me every time I went to gather eggs. I started carrying a towel tucked in my hip pocket of my jeans and each time I caught him getting too close, I would use my towel to deliver a very firm pop to his chest. It worked very well for quite some time. What I didn't count on was the rooster getting smart to the trick.... One day, I was gathering eggs as usual. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught the sneaky bugger coming at me at a dead run. Before I could grab my towel to deliver the pop, he had grabbed my towel and took off across the barn. I spent about an hour chasing his butt down to get my towel back. But, he never did try to sneak attack me again!
Comment by Lauren Klouda on May 2, 2011 at 7:21pm

Roosters are strange little creatures. Mighty like a stallion yet easily eaten by a stray neighborhood dog. I had to laugh though at your names and stories. Very true! They are exactly like frat boys. Which is why they are annoying. ;) My husband will love the name "Bangs Freely"... maybe he will like the rooster better or maybe not. 

You go with your ninja self! 

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